philosophicCHENEY "The aim here is efficiency, not austerity; conservation may be a sign of personal virtue, but it is not a sufficient basis for a sound, comprehensive energy policy." – Dick Cheney, April 30, 2001
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politics SATIREIf it's true, as Prime Minister Cheney says, "Conservation is not the solution." goodbye christie whitmanMay 2, 2001 Prime Minister Dick Cheney announced today the creation of a new federal agency the Environmental Destruction for Profit Agency (EDPA). "The sole mission of the EDPA is to maximize monetary gain for U.S. individuals and U.S. industry at the expense of the Earth." stated a visibly proud Cheney, "This remarkably short-sighted and destructive agency will be my legacy." PM Cheney dismissed as 1970's-era thinking, the notion that "we could simply conserve or ration our way out" of what he called an energy crisis, "while still maintaining the fabulous wealth of the Bush Pioneers in the energy industry." "America's reliance on energy, and fossil fuels in particular, warms my heart and has made me very rich, but that reliance has lately taken on an urgency not felt since the late 1970's when the oil industry profitted incredibly from the make-believe oil crisis," Mr. Cheney said. "That oil-shortage thing was a hoot wasn't it?," he happily reminisced. "Without a clear, coherent energy strategy, all Americans could one day go through what Californians are experiencing now, or worse, a dose of environmental reality. We all know that reality among consumers is not good for profits." "The only solution, is a government-backed push to find new domestic sources of oil and gas, including in protected areas of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, and an all-out drive to build power plants" – a need that he says, "will require one new electricity-generating plant a week for 20 years." "Clearly the "only solution" is greater reliance on fossil fuels and 1040 new powerplants over the next 20 years." said one dim-witted GOP faithful. "We can only be thankful that we have a man of Cheney's vision to point that out for us as a nation." Mr. Cheney, who ran the oil-services company Halliburton Inc. before becoming prime minister, offered a supply- and profit-oriented energy philosophy that seems likely to dominate the report the cabinet-level task force is expected to issue as early as mid- May. Actually this will be the only option offered in the report as PM Cheney has already publicly stated its "the only solution". The report is expected to recommend legislation, executive actions and incentives for the private sector. Astronomical profits and little or no restrictions on pollution are the primary incentives being considered at this time. "Critics have faulted my admin... I mean, the Bush administration for moving quickly to abandon a treaty on global warming, rejecting controls on carbon dioxide emissions from power plants and delaying stricter standards on arsenic in drinking water" Cheney said, while trying not to laugh. "But they've taken things too far." He noted that a recent television advertisement showing a child asking for more arsenic in her water was a "cheap shot." "Her water will already have more arsenic in it than she will ever need." he said. Coal, according to Cheney, has been neglected. It is the United States' "most plentiful source of affordable energy." He added that people who sought to phase out its use, largely because it is a major source of air pollution, "deny reality." Which reality he was speaking of, that it's plentiful, affordable or that it pollutes, was not clear. "We can safeguard the environment by making greater use of the cleanest methods of power generation we know," Cheney said. "If we are serious about environmental protection, then we must seriously question the wisdom of backing away from what is, as a matter of record, a safe, clean and very plentiful energy source." The assembled press thought he was talking about solar energy but he was actually referring to nuclear energy. He said the most environmentally friendly way to increase energy supplies was to extend the life of existing nuclear plants and grant permits to build new ones, because they had no emissions of greenhouse gases. He made no mention about what to do with waste that is deadly for 10s of thousands of years. Mr. Cheney indicated that the administration would put some emphasis on energy efficiency. In fact, he noted, "At the White House we're already pretty careful to turn off lights in rooms that are not in use." New technology – like computer screens that use far less power and energy-efficient light bulbs in our 300-horsepower, V-12, turbo-diesel SUVs – have an important role because they can save energy without reducing living standards, he said. But he added that he would oppose any measure based on the premise that Americans now "live too well" or that people should "do more with less." "When you have a 20-foot long, 6000 pound SUV, a boat, 2 other cars, 2 jet-skis, 6 bicycles, an extra refridgerator, a extra freezer and a portable basketball hoop, a 3-car garage just doesn't cut it." "The aim here is efficiency, not austerity," he said. "Conservation may be a sign of personal virtue, but it is not a sufficient basis for a sound, comprehensive energy policy." Some people who have talked with administration officials about the energy plan expect that the policy will include some tax-related measures to promote efficiency and conservation. Among those considered most likely are mandatory yearly tax audits for people who buy fuel-efficient automobiles and for power companies that produce electricity using renewable energy sources. As a show of support for renewable energy sources, the budget Mr. Bush submitted to Congress in early April sharply reduced spending by the Department of Energy on research and development for energy efficiency and renewable energy technologies. Cheney finished by saying, "The EDPA will not replace or supercede the current Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). The EPA will remain as it is and Christie Todd Whitman, the EPA administrator, will continue to take the fall for our environmental destruction and media blunders. Hopefully she will attract the ire of the environmentalists since she is charged with protecting the environment and we with destroying it. She will be seen as failing her charge while we will be seen as succeeding in ours. It's a win-win situation!" Goodbye Christie Whitman. – dave © Copyright iriguchi 2001 |
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