philosophicBUSHISM "Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican." – Declining to answer reporters' questions at the Summit of the Americas, Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001
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politics SATIREMore backward GneWs. What if we were talking about Cuba instead of Taiwan? Gee Dubya Warns China on 'a Dangerous Road' Over CubaApril 26, 2001 Resident Bush warned China today that they had ventured into "dangerous territory" by openly pledging to "do whatever it took" – and use the Chinese military if necessary – to defend Cuba against a U.S. attack. Rich U.S. industrialists, emboldened by their nearly complete control of the White House have been floating the notion with the Shrub administration, of invading Cuba for "some of them there tasty cee-gars." "We're rich and gettin' a helluva lot richer with our boy in the White House. We should be able to buy any dang thing we want. Gettin' our Cuban cee-gars shouldn't be so dang hard and so dang expensive although lord knows we can afford it!" said a representative for the industrialists. With U.S.-China relations already strained, Chinese puppet spokesman Gi Duhb Yu's remarks appeared to surprise and confuse the Shrub Administration who are not used to having anyone paying attention to what they are doing. Some U.S. analysts connected with the oil industry, predicted the Cuban Cigar Liberation Army (CCLA) in Havana would respond by accelerating plans to take Cuba by force. The CCLA feels the Republican Administration in Washington is creating a whole new class of even richer industrialists with "a hankerin' for a good stogie" and they want to cash in before the U.S. citizenry comes to its senses and starts paying attention. Secretary of State Colin Powell said the U.S. was "pretty darn upset" by Gi Duhb Yu's "downright unneighborly" statements, which departed from a 22-year-old Chinese policy of "we're not saying" over whether China would intervene to defend Cuba. Powell pointed out that the comments followed a Chinese offer to sell a major arms package including submarines and destroyers to Cuba, which, "the Boys in the Board Room... um, I mean the U.S. has protested fiercely and considers a violation of the agreements that form the foundation of diplomatic relations between China and the United States." "There is only one Cuba in the world. There is only one place to get Cuban cigars. Cuba is really really close to Disney World. Cuba is not a "little brother" (protectorate) of any foreign country." Powell said, adding that China was "slipping further down a slippery slope." Analysts continued to be impressed with Powell's new found grasp of "friendly talkin'" and his adoption of resident Bush's weird halting speech pattern. But in a sign of caution and confusion in the Shrub Administration (above and beyond the usual caution and confusion), Resident Bush refused to say whether the U.S. believed Gi Duhb Yu's statements amounted to a change in Chinese foreign policy. Asked whether the Shrub Administration would seek clarification from Beijing on the matter, Bush stated, "We won't really know what's goin' on until we hear from Dik Che Ni. He's the brains in that outfit but he's got a bad ticker and he likes to let Gi Duhb Yu do the talkin'. The problem is that Gi Duhb Yu is always puttin' his slipper in his mouth. He sure can mangle up the Chinese language, (laughing) but then who wouldn't?" Condoleeza Rice, best known for having a Chevron oil tanker named after her, said Gi Duhb Yu's remarks, taken with the new arms sale, would embolden those in Cuba who want to capitalize on the rich industrialist cigar market. Together, they have transformed the Cuba question from a non-issue to a military one. A source close to the Resident went on to say, "We have always been led to believe that U.S.-China relations were somewhat of a constant. They'd never get too bad, they'd never get too good. Now Gi Duhb Yu comes along and says he is willing to send troops to defend Cuba. Even though he later modified his words to say, "the cabbage smells funny." it still means a lot to us. It's totally new, and doing it on television. All of this comes as a surprise to us and, no doubt, to me... I mean the President, too. Does China really want to have a new enemy? Why do they want to have us as an enemy? I... um, we, really don't understand. I mean they'll be able to buy cigars too." – dave © Copyright iriguchi 2001 |
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