philosophicBUSHISM "I've coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically." – Radio-Television Correspondents Association dinner, Washington, D.C., March 29, 2001
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politics BACKWARD NEWSWhat if the news were slightly different? F-16 collides with Chinese Spy Plane; US Pilot KilledApril 11, 2001 An F-16 fighter pilot was killed 11 days ago, 250 miles off the California coast after colliding with a Chinese spy plane. The Chinese plane was damaged and forced to land at Los Angeles International Airport. The spy plane crew has been detained. When news of the crash and landing reached the White House, Resident Bush asked, "Is that bad? Where's China?" The Chinese government has denied any wrongdoing in the incident and has stated that the plane was in international airspace on "routine" reconnaissance and the death of the US pilot was entirely his own fault. They said the US should not board their spy plane and must return their spies immediately. Resident Bush claimed that the Chinese aircraft was in US airspace and demanded to know what it was doing there. He further demanded a formal apology in an effort to stall the situation until he could find out where in the world China is located and who is in charge there. Chinese puppet spokesman Gi Duhb Yu said, "Don't get your panties in a twist Big George. It wasn't our fault so we're not going to apologize even though one of your pilots died. We fly up and down your coast all the time. Your guy was hotdogging and he crashed himself." Washington was understandably annoyed dealing with the simpleton figurehead Gi Duhb Yu and demanded to speak to Dik Che Ni. Dik who is in failing health remained in the background however, while the hapless Gi Duhb Yu tried to talk tough. The negotiations stalled and the Chinese became more and more angry that their spies were being held captive. Video of the Chinese crew enjoying the Magic Kingdom seemed to contradict this however. Eventually Chinese Comrade of the Republic Ko Lin Powl said, "We're seriously bummed your pilot died but it's still not our fault. And we're really, really sorry we went into your airspace and landed at LAX without you saying, 'Simon says'." The precise translation was critical and the message was very carefully crafted using only small words. Resident Bush seemed to understand this language and after 11 days of saber-rattling he said the spies could go home. He stated, "We can put 'em on a bus back to China today." Reportedly the spies asked to be held a few more days so they could get to Magic Mountain and Universal Studios. Resident Bush then announced he has decided to keep the spy plane a while longer because, as he says, "...the insides are full of flashing lights and buttons that have weird little pictures on them." He is reportedly fascinated that the Chinese can read little pictures. As a result, Bush plans to explore an image based written language for the United States. He stated, "I've always liked books with pictures the best so if we can eliminate ALL the words I'll be like a pig in shit!" – dave © Copyright iriguchi 2001 |
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